There’s a darkness scraTching in my mind
i can feel The red scars behind green eyes
i play a One-man game Of caT and mOUse
i dOn’T knOw hOw mUch lOnger i can be sUsTained
by eaTing myself
frOm the inside
OUT.
leT me OUT
i feel The bUlges beneaTh my skin
crawling in all direcTiOns
begging fOr release
as my ThUmbnails begin TO scraTch away
my fleshy cOaT begins TO Unzip
yOU have nO idea my dear,
hOw lOng i’ve waiTed TO cOnsUme yOU
You left a hole inside me,
In the center of my chest;
I can feel it beating
But not like my heart
No, the hole writhes in pain like a throbbing headache
But time doesn’t take this ache away
With time I only feel this hole growing
Like darkness as a candle comes to the end of the wick.
You see, I’m afraid of the dark
I have no idea what it’ll do to me
So I look for old flames
To bring me safe harbor
But it’s not safe here;
Because I see now…
That I’m a Monster.
I’ve met mentors that were shades of you,
They too pull me in until I am lost.
You built me up so much until I felt bright,
I was a candle and you taught me how to light.
Foolish was I to be such a ready medium,
Like chalk I find myself used up and broken in all the tedium.
I’m the last thing standing,
Like the last tree left from a forest fire;
I’m all alone.
My heart seems just fine when the sun shines
But as the astral sea floods the skies
I gaze like a lone survivor staring at an empty ocean.
I sit here atop my raft-like bed,
Clutching my chest like I feel a great pain
But not a scar sits upon my skin.
Maybe I’m just going insane but
Four walls just feel so empty
Without two to occupy the space in between.
Tell me love,
Why is it when I turn around
You turn away?
Once again I sit alone at night
Staring at the stars,
All their lights could all go out
But I wouldn’t notice
Because you’re all that’s on my mind tonight.
Just you,
And only you.
“To Hate Them All”
I wrote these words across my heart,
Or maybe a more apt description would be
I took a rusted blade and ripped
Until I made these scars into language.
You see
In a world devoid of my first love,
At least the pain fights against this idea that I have
That I’m really dead.
How long must I hate?
Anger burns away at my insides until I swear I can feel my skin trembling.
Words keep forging from the furnace in my heart
But I just keep asking for boiling blood to come up my throat
So I can vomit all my inner turmoil over you
Mark, scar, and stain your skin with the pain I feel inside.
You will finally be as decrepit and ugly as the thing beating in your chest.
This terror is eating me up,
That’s what I feel
Crawling around inside me
Like some kind of body snatching eel.
Is there such a thing as hope?
I can’t tell the difference between truth
And what are just words to cope.
I mean
If choices always have consequences
Where does suicide end and death begin?
Be it more sane to ask these questions
Or bury them deep in the backyard?
Two and a half decades
The planks in my mind creek and groan,
It’s slowly catching up to me.
By day I watch my back because I’m blinded by the sun,
Waiting for the night to melt away reality;
As I feel the cold grip of insanity.
Time is the noose around my neck,
I keep waiting for the floorboards to drop away,
But the end never comes!
I try and try to look for answers,
It’s getting harder to breathe,
Deeply frightened by how I got here,
What frightens me more is where I’m headed.
The air is so stifling from the heat,
I was given the chance to love forever
I had all the time to be something better
I dreamt of being so much greater
But I threw it all away!
We all hide this fear inside of us,
Believe me I know,
I carry mine deep inside where nobody can see;
I lie awake at night until I begin shaking,
Crying because I can’t stand anymore.
A Hand always comes to my shoulder
Whispering in my ear to give this world I know to Him;
But I don’t want my God to ever know what it’s like to feel this way.
“Come hither,”
He says calmly,
“This is where all life in Me begins.”
In the past I wandered down spiral staircases
Deeper, and deeper until God had no name;
I felt the depths where gods are replaced
By a belief in human weakness.
We are weak, after all
They say, they’ll say.
It echoes all around you;
Encapsulating you like a hollow hurricane.
It’s beautiful here after all; in the eye of the storm
Until you wander away and see all around you
Laid low by a soulless destruction.
This is how we’ll see the world;
Godless.
Place Coincidence and Chance where idols once stood.
On your knees! We kneel to this!
We do love the thrill of playing god,
Don’t we?
Come hide with me in the black depths of the ocean.
We’ll store our souls in the chromosomes,
Deep within those weak tissues.
Deny him His light for the sun
He’ll still come like a thief in the night;
To steal your heart away.
God help me,
Lord knows I’ve walked this dark path;
And clawed my way out
They never told me
My soul would still bear the scars;
Like my Martyr they’ll bleed forever.
I know the great fall from Grace,
I beg God forgive me
But I am undeserving.
I held your hand, my dear,
And trembled as another walked by
Are they better than I?
The thought eats away at my sanity,
You’d choose a stranger over me!
I scream at you in my head
But I’ll wear this smile instead,
And kill us slowly.
How did I never see,
The way I held your heart
Ultimately drove us apart.
